The Eyes

I may take the time to write more about my journey with the tumor that sent me to the hospital three times within six months. Those of you connected to me on social media may already know about it. Those of you close to me, have been there with me since the mass was discovered. But today, what is it that has inspired the break in my five years of silence on this blog? These lines written by a stranger, his name is Jason Hill. I believe he’s a doctor in NYC working with Covid-19 patients. He wrote, “The eyes stay with you…It’s brief, and you’re busy, and time is essential, but you find a few seconds to share this final breath. That stare lasts a moment. That stare lasts a lifetime. And the eyes stay with you.”

Each time I went to the hospital for a tumor-related procedure (one failed attempt), I was intubated. Covid-19 patients are intubated when they need support breathing. When they are at their last breath. Some of them live to be taken off of their ventilators, some of them don’t.

I was intubated, the first time for maybe 30 minutes until my surgeon realized the intended procedure wasn’t going to work. The second time, I was intubated for almost six hours, when he successfully removed my tumor and installed a temporary ileostomy on my abdomen. The third time, the happy surgery, I was intubated for about an hour, when the ileostomy was reversed. I was in the hospital for my ileostomy reversal the day the coronavirus was declared a pandemic. I was in the hospital on the last day that they did elective surgeries so that they could open up space in preparation for the flood of Covid patients that were to come. I was no longer intubated and I could go home. There are so many who will not go home.

Each time when I went to the hospital in preparation for a procedure, I would shift into what I now call my “medical mind.” It’s a procedural frame of mind, logistical, pragmatic. It’s a mind that says, “Yes, I’ll wait here.” “Yes, I’ll clean my body with these sanitation wipes.” “Yes, I’ll put this paper gown on and nothing else.” “Yes, you can stick me to take blood.” “Yes, you can stick me for an iv.” “Yes, I’ll swab my nose with a gel-iodine, for 10 seconds each nostril.” “Yes, I understand the procedure.” “Yes, I understand I will be under general anesthesia.” “Yes, I understand I will be intubated and machines will breathe for me.”

Before each intubation, there was at least one nurse, anesthesiologist, anesthetist, or doctor who paused. They paused, maybe placed a hand on my shoulder or arm, and looked at me, right in the eye. They saw me. I saw them. They said they would take good care of me. They looked deeply into my eyes. My eyes. Their eyes. Eyes. A glance between strangers, so deep and intimate. The eyes, a window into our souls. The moment of this locking of eyes is when I could no longer stay in my medical mind and I softened. I opened. And I began to cry. Harder one time than the others, I can’t remember which time was which now. But I cried. I was afraid. I was grateful for all the things the tumor wasn’t. It wasn’t cancerous. It wasn’t so big. It wasn’t hard to reach. I felt power and healing in crying in that moment, in the opening and softening, it allowed me to be more fully human. The eyes of those strangers, our connection, to be seen in such a way, if even for just a moment, was powerful in a way that I fear even my words here and now cannot convey.

My takeaway? Humanity. Humanity at the core. Our collective humanity is powerful, connecting and healing. Our individual humanity is inherent and sacred.

May we soften. May we open. May we connect. May we be human.

May we see and be seen.




Inspiration credit: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10102407690695372&id=3112789

Photo credit: Frame and eyes woman - Photo by jan valle from Pexels

Are you sure? 7 Steps to Removing Dysfunctional Filters From Your Lens.

I recently encountered a situation where someone I know believed something to be true due to information she'd been given from another person and based on a situation she had observed. However, I became privy to additional information on that same situation, about events that happened just prior to when this person came to observe. Most of us involved knew bits and pieces of the situation. We each had gained this information from different people and were not present for most of the situation or any of it. All of us had come to our own conclusions of what happened, who was at "fault," and what should be done to remedy the situation.  Needless to say, highly charged emotions ebbed and flowed. And I continue to wonder, who was actually "right" and who was at "fault?" And the truth is, unless we remove our own filters and try to see things through the filter of others, we'll always think we are "right," the others are at "fault" and we'll never see how we may have made mistakes too and how the lines are much blurrier than we originally thought.

In life, even when we are physically present and being as mindful as possible, we can and will perceive each experience and situation differently than the others present because we are viewing it through our own lens. Our lens is filtered with our life experiences, cultural background, gender, age, race, ethnicity, education, religion/spirituality, etc.  Our filters influence how and what we see and how we interpret the information we take in. And we are often not even aware of this filtering process, it becomes automatic.  In addition, we may avoid communication, won't attempt to engage in open, real communication, or we may blame all others involved. We can experience deep pain and discomfort based on how we interpret what we see and experience through our lens. We can also be treated harshly based on how others' lens' are filtered and what they see through their lens. Here are some steps to take to remove your filters and to gain deeper understanding.

1. Ask yourself, "Are you sure?"
2. If your answer is yes, then ask yourself again, "Are you sure?" Try to take a moment and allow yourself to be unsure, and wonder how it might look or be if you aren't sure.
3. Ask yourself, "What might the other person think/feel/know/hear/experience?" Try to see if you can view the situation through the other's lens.
4. Take time to speak with and ask the other person about their thoughts, feelings or understandings.
5. Be sure to FULLY listen to them, even if you disagree or have a different perspective. Let them finish before you speak.
6. Explain your perspective, thoughtfully, kindly and respectfully. This doesn't mean agree with everything. We can disagree respectfully. And you might find some ways you misunderstood the other person/situation.
7. If no agreement can be made or mutual understanding, remember that everyone is on their own path and we cannot force anyone into an understanding or a change that they aren't ready for. You may have to make difficult decisions about what path to take for yourself, depending on the situation.

These steps give us mindfulness. Mindfulness gives us the ability to gently remove filters from our lens so that we can see clearly the experiences we personally encounter but it also gives us the ability to recognize when we do not have all the information so that we may take care and not paint a false picture of reality. Mindfulness can be the ability to stop and ask ourselves, "Am I sure?"  We may have developed an insecurity or a chip on our shoulder that makes us prone to certain assumptions or judgements or false realities. Our assumptions, judgements and false realities feel very real. And our feelings are important. And sometimes we are right. But sometimes we are not. If we are mindful, we have a better chance of being able to see when we are right and when we are wrong and perhaps we can even remove some of the filters from our lens and take positive action so that we can avoid being hurt while also minimizing any hurt towards the people in our lives.

Look closely. Look clearly. Look mindfully. Breathe. Smile.

The image for this post is from Black-HardArt Studio's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Letting Go, Beginning a New

With the passage of time throughout our life, we may hold on deeply to past events and memories, the good and the bad. We hold on to them because they are familiar and what we’ve always known.

There are many reasons that we hold on to our past. Perhaps we do it out of fear of what is happening in the present moment or it's because of our anxiety for what will come in the future. Maybe we are gripping on to the past because letting go of it might mean facing an old demon or facing something big, new and unknown.  Some of us hold on to the past because we believe it defines us. Letting go might open us to something new. That newness might include a change or an evolution of ourselves that we have somehow come to believe we cannot face, that we aren't worthy of or that we just can't handle. It feels safer and easier to hold on to the old. And when we hold on, we do so with a white knuckle grip, defending the past like a wolf guarding it's pack.

As we hold on to the old, we begin to clench mentally and physically. Our mind and thinking may become rigid and inflexible. Even how we hold and carry our body may tighten and we may even begin to have physical pain or reactions that come from our mental holdings.

Take a moment to consider how you may be holding onto a specific memory or event. See the memory clearly. Try to feel the grip you have on it in your mind, what are your thoughts about this memory. Notice if you feel yourself tightening anywhere physically as you think about this memory.  Breathe into the tightness and allow it to soften, exhale and envision yourself letting go. Inhale, soften. Exhale, release.

Now, think about how you might be different if you were to let go of this oldness. Allow yourself to say, "This memory happened to the 'me' of the past, it may have shaped some behaviors or thought patterns, but it is not the core of ME. It happened to me, but I am not this memory."  We can also do this with present feelings that come up. Any feeling we have is NOT us. We feel it, very strongly at times, but it passes. We are still us, with or without our feelings or attachments to past memories and events.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring. It means we look very deeply at the past, we acknowledge it but we don't allow the memories in our mind to dictate who we are and how we must be. We are capable of letting go while also honoring the past as one of our greatest teachers. A teacher who shows us what works and what doesn't.  When we let go, we make space. When we make space, we can begin a new. When we begin a new, we give ourselves permission to start again. With each sunrise, we can begin a new. With each moment, we can begin a new. With each breath, we can begin a new.

Breathe. Soften. Let Go. Begin a New.

The image in this post is from Evgeni Dinev's profile on Free Digital Photos.

The Roots of Gratitude Part II

Having a personal practice of giving gratitude is immensely important and can benefit not only our outlook on life but can also have physical and emotional benefits that in turn improve our relationships with people and things.  Being grateful as a family can also uplift each member and bring our relationships closer together.  There is no doubt that this practice is magical and beautiful.

Today, the day in which we celebrate the American Thanksgiving Holiday, I am conflicted with deep and intense emotions.  Many of us are given time off of work and school to spend with our loved ones. I have spent most Thanksgivings with my family, laughing, playing, eating and enjoying each other's presence. Yet, as I've learned through my formal and informal education the truth behind the sugar coated Pilgrims and Indians story that was spoon fed to me as a child, I find it harder and harder to just smile and wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. 

I believe that we must look deeply at our own personal pain and suffering so that we may release and heal in our own lives.  I also believe the same is needed for looking deeply at the pain and suffering that exists in the history of this holiday. We must acknowledge that this day, even though for many of us, in this day and age it embodies family togetherness, deep gratitude, warm connections, sharing, love and wonderful food, it is based on a dark, greed filled tragedy and massacre of the native people who were living here when the colonizers arrived.  If we do not embrace the true nature of this holiday, we cannot embrace ourselves wholly.  It is painful to admit that some of our own ancestors participated in the atrocities that history books wish to erase from our memories. It is difficult work to acknowledge that entire cultures and people were destroyed for the benefit of our own ancestors. Yet through bringing this truth to light and embracing it, we can take responsibility and there can be forgiveness, healing and peace for all.  Of course there exist current systems and social practices that perpetuate the energy embodied by the colonizers and that also must be acknowledged and addressed, but on an energetic level for the healing of those murdered and displaced, we can offer the unadulterated truth.

Related articles:

• Native Circle's "The Thanksgiving Myth"
• The Black Agenda Report's "The End of American Thanksgivings: A Cause for Universal Rejoicing"
• Mitchel Cohen's "Why I Hate Thanksgiving"

Be Thankful. Be Truthful. Be Open. Be Humble.

The photo for this post is from Free Digital Photos by Photokanok.

The Roots of Gratitude Part I

The ability to draw our attention to that in our lives for which we are grateful is a skill that truly must be sharpened through practice. We must take the time to reflect and bring the energy of gratitude towards the people, places, things, events and achievements in our lives that we appreciate most dearly.  It is possible, with the myriad of daily stresses, logistics, emotions and anxieties in our lives, that we can begin to focus on the negative or feel that we are lacking. But with practice and reminders, our focus on gratitude for what we do have can bring a sense of joy and lightness into our lives. With a heart filled with gratitude, coming face to face with all of life's difficulties can become that much easier.

Often with a Gratitude Practice, we focus outside of ourselves. We may practice being grateful for family, friends, pets, material objects, etc. Or we may be grateful for experiences or major life events. This is a fundamental part of practicing gratitude and an important place to begin. Today, through a simple guided meditation, I challenged my students in yoga class to bring their practice of gratitude towards their own bodies, minds and souls. It can be very easy to neglect ourselves when offering energy of deep appreciation. We must begin to be gentler with, kinder to and more grateful for ourselves so that that way of being can extend out towards those around us.  With practice, being grateful can become our instinct and the foundation from where we function. When I find myself being critical towards my loved ones, it is precisely the same critical voice that plays ten times louder and a hundred times more frequently in my own mind towards my own self.

I offer to you a gentle practice for deepening the energy of gratitude within your own heart.  This was inspired by other sources and teachers that have guided me.

Begin either lying or sitting comfortably in a quiet space. As you breathe in and out, become aware of the breath entering and leaving your nose. Now bring your attention to your heart and imagine that your breath is now entering and leaving through your heart, energizing and opening your heart center.

With each in-breath, first think of one person, then one place, one thing and then one event for which you are grateful.  With each exhalation, say thank you.  Now, with each inhalation, think of one part of your body that you appreciate. On the exhale, say thank you. Repeat 5-10 times with different parts of your body. When you complete your body gratitude, repeat with thinking of aspects of your mind and then your spirit that you appreciate most.

We are perfect as we are and we have the source of greatness within us. Our potential is infinite.

Be Kind. Be Grateful. Be Great. In Gratitude.

The photo in this post is from Free Digital Photos by James Barker.
The meditation in this post was inspired by Amy Ippoliti's video on YogaGlo (you must be a subscriber of this site to see the actual video and it is linked here primarily for credit)

Coming Home

Where is home? What is home? How does it feel? Is there a scent connected with it? What does coming home mean? So much of our time and energy is focused outward on other people, what we "must" do, where we must go. Even if we are sitting in one place, our thoughts are focused out into the future or they can be stuck, dwelling in the past.  We may feel like we don't belong or perhaps we feel lost.

Coming home is a way to ground ourselves and become centered on our bodies, our thought patterns and our processes of life. We can come home by reconnecting to our bodies through our breath, through our mindfulness of movement, through mindful walking, dance, yoga or meditation. Our bodies are our temples, our first physical home for our spirit, the one we chose when we came in to this Earth. 

Our breath is the life force for our bodies, for our energy, for our mind and for our spirit. Our breath can bring us home whenever we feel shaken, pulled or stressed.  Focusing on our breath, we can can feel more connected and grounded.  When our home and foundation is solid and secure, we are rooted deeply within ourselves. When we accept exactly where we are in the here and the now, we relieve ourselves of so much pressure to be or do something different.  We can see clearly when we look deeply at this home. And then, when our roots deepen we are able to grow up and branch out into newness and out of our comfort. We are perfect just as we are now, yet we are also ever changing and growing as part of the movement of energy and life.  We must embrace ourselves and the path we are walking.

Coming home. This time of year, when the holidays near, we may begin to think of coming home. We may actually go to our childhood homes or travel with or go to visit our original nuclear family. Thinking of our childhood and original family can be comforting for some of us but for others, it can create stress and throw us off balance. The dynamics of our relationships can be multifaceted and complex.  We may start to feel out of balance or there may be a strong sense of anxiety or mixed feelings.  This is when we can practice coming home to ourselves as a source of strength and support. By doing so, we can then be present with the people in our lives.  

Be clear. Be gentle. Be calm. Be home.

The image for this post is from Dominic Harness's profile on Free Digital Photos

Transitions

Transitions for some are scary, overwhelming and hard work. Others seem to float effortlessly from one transition to another, like a crimson leaf floating from its branch.  And then there are those that fall somewhere in between - some transitions are easy, others take a bit more effort.

Regardless of how we handle them, transitions - or change - are inevitable! This time of year, autumn, is perfect for looking within to study our inner workings, the "how" of who we are.  Everything around us is changing.  The glorious colors of the leaves, the animals scurrying around for acorns, kids back in school, holidays of all faiths and temperatures cooling off.  We can look within at our own inner workings not for judgement or making ourselves feel the need to be different, but for understanding. With this kind of deep looking we can gain an insight into how we work, our own process so that when we are confronted with a transition, big or small, we can be prepared for how we might handle it.  And often times, when we look deeply like this, changes within naturally occur. 

When looking inward, we can take note of the following:

1. Thoughts - what thoughts are present 
2. Feelings - what are the emotions present
3. Body sensations - what kind of physical reaction do I get and where in the body
4. Logic - what does the pragmatic side say
5. Gut instinct - what is intuition saying

These five aspects are perfect for making decisions but also work wonders just as an exercise in getting to know ourselves, who we are and how we function in the day to day.

As the windy, cool weather comes we may feel pushed to move forward fast and furious with events, kids, friends, family while we may also notice a heavier, slower, snuggle-on-the-couch energy creeping in.  I've written this post about how to keep yourself balanced as this season progresses and now we can take stock of how we are transitioning by looking within. 

Breathe. Smile. Look. Transition.

The photo for this post is from James Barker on Free Digital Photos.

Restore, Renew, Repair and Try again

Ok, y'all know how I am. I disappear for a while and then boom, here I am again!  Looking back, last I wrote I still had babe number 2 on the inside.  My oh my, having two really changes things and puts a completely new meaning to "slowing down" and being "mindful."  I'm still trying to figure out how with these two munchkins who offer me multiple opportunities a day to learn.  I don't think physically slowing down is always an option with little ones running around but  mentally slowing down, being mindful, looking deeply and speaking lovingly are possible. Possible but very challenging to actually do when triggered. And small children sure know how to trigger.

Since little Miss N was born last September, I have made numerous mistakes in my interactions with Miss A, who's now almost 4.  Mistakes that leave me wondering, "Who am I?" "What is going on in me to cause this type of reaction? "How can I repair what I've said/done?"  "What do I need in order to feel taken care of?"

I try to remember how Thich Nhat Hanh puts it, every morning we have twenty-four brand new hours before us.

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”

I can start over again and try to do it differently tomorrow.

Usually when Miss A is acting out, she's either hungry or tired.  Two things that have simple solutions but solutions that are impossible to force on children.  And believe me, the controlling side of me has tried to force, with very little success.   When I have succeeded in forcing her to eat or sleep, I believe that in that moment, I've sent her the wrong message about how to achieve what I want.

In the moments that I find myself feeling intolerant of her normal 3 year old behavior and behave poorly myself, I know that it's time for me to restore and renew.  In doing so, I repair my own suffering/pain and I pick myself up by the boot straps and I just try again.  Sometimes I am met with an angry little girl who wants to give me a taste of my own medicine and other times she so tenderly tells me how she felt in the situation and we hug and kiss.  What an amazing teacher she is and I'm pretty certain her ever smiling little sister has a full lesson plan for me too!

Breathe. Restore. Smile. Renew. Be Kind!

Slowing Down

Oh Boy! 8 months down and 4 weeks to go, the countdown is ON! And it seems as if time is speeding up, but I am slowing down. Really slowing down. It's hard not to with this big ole belly of mine.  I write a lot about slowing down because it is one of the hardest things for me to do - even though I know how great I feel after I actually do the slowing down.  I just find it very difficult to actually slow and even harder to stop.

Having a now 3 year old and her wonderful high energy all around also makes slowing down a challenge, but even when she's at preschool or with her sitter, I'm still running around, checking off my ever growing to do list when I could be using that time to sit and meditate, write in my journal, read etc.

Being so pregnant has made me physically slow down as I hobble around the house, to the car, out on errands.  I've definitely got the penguin walk going on and all this extra weight is brutal to carry around on these hot summer days; and I've been lucky it hasn't been nearly as hot as last summer!  But even as I am physically forced to slow down, my mind seems to have taken things up a notch or two.  My thoughts are a blur of things to do, food to cook, places to go and people to see all before this baby comes.  Yet I know deep down the best preparation for when this newborn comes is getting more comfortable with stopping everything because that's what I'm going to have to do.

Stephen Levine is the author of the book, "Who Dies: An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying" where he talks about his work with athletes who are injured to the point of not walking or who are debilitated because of an accident or illness and cannot perform as they once did.  He worked with them on accepting where they were and slowing their mind and meditating.  This always comes to my mind when I think about how fast and uncontrollable my mind gets, regardless of my physical state.  It is especially salient right now because I will be in a state of complete slowness postpartum and will have some very intimate time with my mind.  We can all use some mind slowing, the trick is doing it so that when we aren't able to be distracted by our physical running around and "doing" we can touch peace within.

Slow down! Appreciate. Love. Breathe.

The photo for this post is from Free Digital Photos - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

When The Clouds Clear

It's been a while... Most of you know that I'm almost 6 months pregnant which initially halted my writing because we weren't telling anyone during the first 12 weeks and that's all I wanted to write about.  So, I silenced myself and then just got plain ole lazy!  It happens and I try not to pressure myself to write or then I make writing a post bigger than it really is.

Well, Anjali was sick all last week and I am just now starting to feel better after catching the nasty little virus she gifted our home with!  And boy did I feel like there were endless clouds hanging over me, the house, my energy and my mood!  And I think what was just as hard as being sick was all the time spent just sitting with myself doing nothing.  Though it was less time than before I had Anjali, because she still need to be fed and watched after, I still had a lot more down time than I normally allow for myself when well.

I was ever so aggravated with the negative thoughts that I became aware of floating in my mind.  Though, in between the aggravated moments, there were a few moments where having the clouds hanging over provided much needed introspection that I otherwise probably wouldn't have had.  I often think that getting sick is more our body telling us to slow down and stop because there is something within us that needs our attention than it is about an actual virus or bacteria (though those are very real too!)

And when the clouds finally start to clear, there is such a deep sense of appreciation for being well.  Thich Nhat Hanh has a great story about how we should appreciate our "non-toothache" when our teeth feel great because once we have a terrible one, we realize how little we appreciated being pain free!

Be Well. Live. Appreciate Wellness. Look Within. Breathe!

The image for this post is from Sura Nualpradid's profile in Free Digital Photos.

The Yoga Ni-Yamas: Santosa and Svadhyaya

This week for my yoga training we have been assigned to choose one of the five niyamas in yoga, or internal practices of observation/ethical practices of guidance.

I had a hard time choosing just one, so I've chosen two.  The first is Santosa, contentment.  I think it is often difficult to feel true contentment.  We are often inundated with distractions, pressures, desires, etc that push us to want more things, keep our calendars packed with activities and succumb to instant gratification.  I am definitely guilty!  Santosa reminds us that not only should we be content with the joyous and beautiful parts of our lives but also with the difficulties we face as they are an integral part.  There is constant change in our lives, even if we somehow maintain a facade of keeping everything the same, it's really constantly changing!  And often times these changes can be challenging.  These difficult things that come into our lives are lessons of some sort.  Something that we need to look at and ask, what do I need to learn from this?  It could be a lesson about ourselves, about our relationship, about our job, about our home or any number of things.  In the end, if we are clear of mind we can see from more than one perspective and can learn and evolve from our life events, remaining content. Then we are practicing Santosa.

The second one that I have chosen is Svadhyaya, study of one's self.  I saw this interpreted on a couple of sites as not only study of one's self but study of spiritual texts.  I'd like to focus on the study of one's self.  I think this goes in line with the yama I discussed last time on truth, Satya.  I think in order to be truthful, we must study ourselves or look deeply at ourselves, our thoughts, words, actions and behaviors.  If we can understand ourselves, then we can begin to see the world and reality around us clearly.  I have recently had a difficult time looking at the core of my feelings and understanding where they're coming and why.  Of course, as I have shared before, I feel meditation is as a method for looking at ourselves deeply but I think that we can also do this all day long as we apply mindfulness to our daily lives.  Taking a few seconds to check in with ourselves throughout the day or when eventful things happen and then setting aside a longer time to reflect on things we've thought, felt, done or seen.  And the key when we reflect is to set aside all judgement, it is pure observation.  We can decide that there are some things we'd like to try to understand more deeply that perhaps we would like to change, but the goal isn't change so much as it is understanding ourselves.  I think that if we can see what's going on inside, then we can understand it and through understanding, any change needed should happen freely and easily...

Be content. Be Inquisitive. See Deeply. Love. Breathe!

The photo for this post is from Michelle Meiklejohn's portfolio on Free Digital Photo's.

Universal Principles of Yoga: The Yama Satya

I recently started a yoga teacher training and we had an assignment to choose one of the Five Universal Principles of Yoga, the Yamas, to research and talk about at our next training weekend.  You can find a link to all five of them here, but I chose the second Yoga Yama, Satya - which many of you may know is also my father's first name!

I chose the Yoga Yama Satya because for many of the early years of my life I struggled with being truthful to myself and to others.  As a young child and adolescent, I found myself lying in order to avoid conflict or admitting mistakes (something I saw modeled in my early life).  I also just didn’t have any healthy tools for expressing negative emotions and thoughts or when I was angered by a friend.  My technique was to stuff it all in until I either exploded at someone or literally walked away from the friendship. This happened far more often than I would like to admit.  I was extremely unskillful in the Yama Satya, truthfulness also referred to as Loving Speech.  I saw a video on another blog that said that The Yama Satya must be paired with the first Yoga Yama, Ahimsa - Non-violence/compassion - so that our truthfulness (Satya) embodies compassion (Ahimsa) and therefore does not cause and pain or hurt in those receiving it.

I can remember friends asking me if something was the matter, if I was upset and the truthful answer was “Yes, my feeling are hurt!” But I always answered, “No, I’m fine.” To this day, my instinct is to answer with the same denial, but the strength of the Yama Satya is so much stronger in me now and I know it is my duty to be truthful to prevent future explosions of anger.

It wasn’t until my twenties that I started peeling away my lack of the Yama Satya and started to attempt to live by it.  Of course at the time I didn’t know that the truthfulness I was trying to live by was part of the Yoga Universal Principles, I just wanted to live with integrity and take responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.  I had become aware of how I’d hurt people in the past and how I’d been hurt by non-truthfulness so I vowed to do my absolute best to be honest with myself and share my truth with those around me in the most mindful, loving, ahimsa way possible.

Below is a not-all-inclusive list/outline of the different aspect of how I see the Yama Satya being embodied and engaged by each of us. You may see future posts going into more detail of these, but here is my outline sketched for my assignment!

• Personal Internal truth
• Being honest with ourself in terms of boundaries, limitations, life path, life goals, energy, ability, skill, etc...
• Acknowledge our thoughts and see where there is truth and where there isn’t and do our best to change our habitual non-truthful thoughts
• Truth in Observation
• Being mindful and truly present in each moment to sharpen our sense of observation so that we may see the truth of our own reality and that of those around us
• Engaging in Mindful Interactive Truth (see below) with others when we observe a truth that may not be apparent to the other.  This involves the first Yoga Yama, ahimsa (non-violence/compassion) so that we can communicate any negative information or observation as truthfully and compassionately as possible.
• Interactive Truth
• Being mindful of the words we choose when speaking with others.
• Before you speak, ask yourself these 3 questions:
• Is what I am about to say the truth?
• Is it necessary?
• Will it cause harm?
• Allowing the others involved in our Interactive Truth time to hear, process and respond to our Interactive Truth.
• Respecting when others do not like the truth we have shared with them and honoring their feelings.
• Multiple Truths/Accepting Other’s Truths
• There are an infinite number of paths for each of us to follow, we each have our own karmic lessons we must learn so that we may deepen our personal truths and transform ourselves in the perfect way we are supposed to in this life.  So long as our truth/path is not hurting another person or group of people and we are aware of how we affect each other and the world and that our truth is for the ultimate highest good, then we should allow ourselves and others to follow our own truth, even if we don’t like some of them.
• Higher Power Truth
• This follows up with the Multiple Truths idea as it relates to God, The Divine, The Creator, The Universe, Religion, Spirituality, etc.  Everyone has a choice for which, if any, path they choose to follow!

Breathe. Smile. Be Truthful. Be Mindful. Love!

The picture for this post is from Simon Howden's portfolio on Free Digital Photos.

Unsticking When We Get Stuck

Feeling stuck can be due to stretching ourselves too thin, poor diet, lack of sleep, fear of change, difficulty transitioning from one season to another or difficulty transitioning from one life "season" to another... the list goes on and on and on.

I feel defeated when I find myself feeling stuck.  I often have this feeling when I'm craving making a big change or doing something new or different and I feel a little intimidated or unsure of which way I want to go.  At the core, my stuck feeling is created from an over attachment to a desired outcome combined with a lack of trust in the universe and my path.

I find I can often unstick myself if I just let go a little and remember to connect back to the trust I have in myself and the universe.  Letting go doesn't mean I don't move forward or make that tricky decision, it just means that I try not to have a specific, detailed expectation for how things should go every little step of the way.  When I let go of the tiny details, I unstick a little.  That heavy weight of fear or indecision lightens and I can wiggle out and see more clearly what is in front of me.  I will make the necessary plans and decisions, but perhaps they don't happen this week, but next.  Or it manifests through someone I will meet at a future event.  

Trusting the universe is a big one.  For some people this is like the faith they have in their religion and God but for me it's about energy.  I believe very deeply that our intentions, the energy we pour into our dreams, needs and pure wants, is very powerful.  I have taken the time to either write or create a vision board, putting the energy towards a certain goal and then releasing my attachment to it and letting it go to the universe.  This doesn't mean that we just sit on the couch and wait for it to happen.  Our energy must be transformed into the actions that will bring us to our dreams.  And then the magic can happen.  You might meet someone when you go to a workshop that will lead to another opportunity and then ultimately to your vision... 

Years ago I wanted to have an opportunity to create and lead a Spanish language workshop.  I asked the universe and then let it go.  A few days later, my sister was visiting and an old family friend came over to see her.   I got to talking with this family friend and as it turned out she was looking for someone to create a Spanish language workshop for the employers in her company.  Coincidence? Some might say that's all it was.  I would say intention and the universe had something to do with it... 

I will do my best to unstick my mind and body when I find myself in the stuck zone!

Breathe. Smile. Unstick. Invision. Let Go!

The image for this post is from Dan's Profile on Free Digital Photos.

Preparing For Our Breaking Point

When I reach my breaking point, sometimes I don't feel like there is any valid "reason" for it.  I just feel plain terrible and have this feeling in me that nobody should feel happy if I'm feeling so miserable.  Or I feel an irrational sense of control towards those around me.  Wednesday, December 28th, those who crossed my path were innocent victims to the seething anger I was feeling.  I had lost control of this emotion and despite all my attempts to be mindful, I felt such an overwhelming sense of frustration that I couldn't hear my own mindfulness bell. There is a feeling I get when I know I should make another choice, when I know I should let go and change my current course but on Wednesday, I wasn't listening to it and pushed it aside, clinging to my hurt and frustration.  I even left the house and tried to calm myself in nature.  This helped a little but there was something in me that was rigid, firm, unbending and unwilling to compromise.  It wasn't until after raising my voice at my sweet little girl and seeing the fear in her eyes that I began to soften.  I remember having that same fear and disappointment when I was yelled at as a child and it had such a severe affect on me.  I vowed I would never do it to my own child.  And here I was, again.  It has been very few times but they are there.  My highest self may be present when I have these outbursts but she's not in the driver's seat.  It felt more like the child in me who needed to be heard and listened to was behind the wheel, making all the decisions.  The biggest problem is that I am not a child anymore and must find it within me to be the adult, functioning from my highest self.

I do believe that repair is critical after moments like the one I had on the 28th but I don't think it's enough.  Or we could walk around treating people terribly and then apologize and think that's ok to do over and over again.  I am determined to work on myself and look into my core to see what it is that is brewing inside of me so I can have a deeper understanding and make the changes I need to.  This might be through therapy, healing on a physical level or noting if lunar-menstrual cycles have anything to do with it and plan accordingly... awareness of self, mindfulness of self.  Preparing myself for the moments when I am unable to hear the mindfulness bell.

I have been repairing with my daughter for the last few days, being kind and attentive but not giving in to our regular rules.  Trying to be more understanding when she acts out, who knows, maybe she's imitating my own behavior.  She is a vivid mirror.  I am trying to breathe into the sensations I have within me to see where they are coming from and how I can move forward so that I can minimize and ultimately eliminate these breakdowns in mindfulness. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or have these feelings again, but I don't want to inflict pain on those I love.

I remind myself of my imperfection.  I take responsibility for my actions.  I breathe into my core being and promise to do my best.

Breathe. Smile. Understand Yourself. Have Patience.

The photo for this post if from Graur Codrin's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Learn to Stop

"In daily life, there is so much to do and so little time.  You may feel pressure to run.  Learn to stop! Touch the present moment and you will touch peace and joy" - Thich Nhat Hanh

I know for a fact I have blogged about this quote before but it seems quite apropos right now with the bustling of friends and family and presents and parties... which I LOVE!  I love being with the people I love, friends and family.  I love planning activities, menus - especially the sweet treats involved, though I often make the healthy, gluten free, low glycemic version.  But what I always forget is how exhausting it can be too, especially if we don't take time to recharge - also something that I've written about many times.  


Now, right now, during the holidays it may seem impossible to slow down, especially if there are multiple young children involved in the festivities but I am trying to do two things.  When I'm in a social gathering to relieve myself of any pressures (self-imposed or otherwise) to do too much or go beyond my capacity.  And it takes being fully present in the moment, the second thing I'm trying to do, to stay aware of any self-imposed pressures to do too much, or to be aware of when I've reached my limit and to know when, where and how to STOP and let go.  Even if for a short moment, so that I can release the pressure that been building up, unwind even just a little, and recharge for the rest of the holiday festivities! 


Whatever holiday you are or are not celebrating these last few days of 2011, I wish you peace, joy and a beautiful present moment!


Breathe. Smile. Stop. Laugh. Wink. Exhale. Enjoy!


The photo in this post is from Chris Sharp's portfolio on Free Digital Photos.

Humble Request

We are busy, busy getting ready for family to come in town but had a simple request to those of you who already follow via email if you feel so inclined.  I just upgraded my blog to allow for people to follow it more easily so, please "follow" the blog by going to the follow box on the right sidebar of the blog... and to anyone stopping by and checking the blog out, it would be GREAT to have new readers!!!

Breathe. Smile. Celebrate. Love.

The photo for this post is by Topstep07's profile in free digital photos.

Imperfection is perfect

I am often surprised by the tone in my voice especially when I've reached my limit.  Maybe surprised isn't quite the word, more like embarrassed or ashamed.  Often I may say words that would normally convey a kind or neutral message but the tone in my voice carries with it annoyance, frustration, anger or some other emotion.  Yet I want to be able to temporarily mask my real feelings until a later time when I can feel more 'in control' so that I might spare my loved ones from further pain or discomfort.  The worst time to express myself is when I am engulfed in strong feelings of anger.

But what do we do then, when we have to interact with those involved in the moment?  I'm not sure I have THE answer, nor do I think there is any one answer.  And it is in this circumstance that I find my tone gets curt and just not so nice.  It is in the moment(s) immediately following the stimulus and before our reaction that we make a critical decision about how we want to play out the scene.  Those moments are what Elisha Goldstein calls the "space" between stimuli and reactions.  It is in that space that we 'should' try to calmly inform our loved ones that we are feeling frustrated and need some time before we can talk about it.  And this is my dilemma,  is it ok to have a curt tone of voice?  I often struggle with the tone and energy I exude even if the words out of my mouth are not mean.  I have a lot of judgement towards myself for the moments I speak with a curt tone with my family.  When I'm with my daughter, I often cannot take time "out" to cool off or rather it's not the most practical thing to do, like when we are in the same room, at a friends house or in the car together.

I suppose that a terse, low tone is better than all out screaming (which I have done for brief moments). I think the issue really for me can be that of dealing with the negative emotion and feelings swirling inside me and then accepting my imperfections and that I will not always say the right thing at the right time.

Recognizing the mistakes I make and rectifying them seems to be far more important than trying to not make them at all.  And as I write all this, it seems so clear and simple. Ideas I've read elsewhere and have heard over and over.  Yet here I am still trying to understand the nature of human interactions, my own internal workings and how the drama of life plays out.  I am determined to slow down, especially in the space between stimuli and reactions!

Breathing. Feeling. Swirling. Smiling.

The photo for this post is from Evgeni Dinev's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Loving Speech: A Deeper Look

I was recently asked by a friend and reader of this blog to write on honesty and doing so even when what we have to say may not be easy for the other person to hear.  This has also sparked a great idea to incorporate YOUR ideas, meaning you who read this blog, into my idea pool.  I would love for you to write in with topic ideas as it helps me get inspired!  So send me your topics and I will try to feature one reader suggestion a month!

I touched on the topic of Loving Speech in a previous post.  I think the term loving speech explains itself but I myself often struggle with determining what loving speech looks like in practice.  I have determined that there is no step-by-step procedure that we can plug into every circumstance but there are some things I have tried to do in the past that have been successful and hope they can assist some of you in your loving speech endeavors.

If I am the person who has some feeling or truth that I need to share with a friend or loved one and I sense it may be difficult for that person to hear it, I will first look VERY deeply at what it is I am feeling, thinking, needing.  One of the best ways to do this is to journal about the "issue" I have so that I can clearly understand my feelings around it, clearly see the most important parts of it, especially those that will need to be communicated, and look at the part of my being that is involved with this issue. When I say 'part of my being' I mean, is this issue related to the child in me, the adolescent or the adult. This can often help us see who inside of us is in the "driver's seat" as it relates to the issue because let's face it, sometimes it's that little girl or boy who's making those snap reactive decisions or that feisty teenager who was so rebellious is the one who yells at our loved one today.

Doing this kind of writing can also help us prepare for speaking with our loved one.  In the past and even still I have had to share my difficult feelings with my loved ones first in writing, for several reasons.  When I am in the moment talking, I often forget things that I need to say so writing them down helps remind me and having my loved one read about it first helps ease the tension I have around the issue and around any fears I have about talking.  Also, I often forget my mindfulness when I am speaking, especially when the discussion is fresh or raw, so writing keeps me mindful as I can do my best to ensure that the message is delivered mindfully and lovingly.  So I think that writing a letter is a more than acceptable first step to engaging in Loving Speech with our loved ones.

After the letter has been read or instead of a letter, we should always schedule a time to actually discuss the issue.  It is crucial that we speak when we are not heated with anger and that we inform our loved one that we are having a hard time and that we would benefit from having a Loving Speech conversation about an issue.  I cannot stress enough that we cannot speak when we are heated with anger as our perspective will be tainted and we will likely say something we regret, I've done it and it doesn't feel good for anyone involved.

I find that speaking from the point of view of how I feel vs telling the person what he or she is doing wrong also helps bring to light the issue in a lovingly way.  So I might say one of the following:

"I feel very frustrated when...."
"I find that I have a difficult time when..."
"I notice that I don't understand..."
"From my perspective it seems like you're...."
"When you said, 'XYZ,' it made me feel...."
"Can you help me understand why you..."
"It would help me if you could...."
"Is there something one your mind..?"

These statements reinforce that it is MY perspective or feelings and that I am trying to find out more about the situation or my loved ones perspective so that we can try to come up with a solution.

Along with Loving Speech also comes Deep Listening.  So, even though I may be the one that has a frustration with my loved one, I must do my best, my very, very best (this can be very difficult) to listen deeply to what my loved one says and ask questions when I don't understand or explain myself even more in reaction to what he/she says but we must also let our loved ones speak fully too!

Finally, we should always try to have Loving Speech conversations about positive things too, on a regular basis, so that we are not always sitting down to focus on the negative.  Something Rishi and I have done in the past, which I think as a result of this post we may need to start up again, is to sit down with each other a least a couple of times a week and share things that we are grateful for about each other and note the things that we each did that helped us or that made us happy so that when we have to sit down and discuss our grievances we can feel strong and secure in the positive foundation that rests on all the things that we love about each other and that we are grateful for.

I think that this way of speaking is pertinent to almost all relationships and can really help us clear the space and energy.  Something I often struggle with is determining for myself what issues are serious enough to share and with whom.  Do I do this with an acquaintance, unlikely, but possible.  Coworker, should but may not.  Friend, more likely to but it might not always happen. Husband/Wife/Partner, definitely.  Child, absolutely.  Do I tell them every single annoyance and frustration, probably not unless it's frequent, reoccurring or turning into resentment/anger.  So I am NOT perfect with this.  These are things I have tried to do but do not necessarily do to perfection, but hopefully this can give guidance and ideas for the next time you need to discuss something difficult with another person.  Clear, positive, compassionate communication can enhance any relationship!

Breathe. Speak. Love. Listen. Communicate!

The photo in this post is from Prozac1's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Being Wrong Can Be Right

So my family has an "I'm right" gene where we really stand this ground til the bitter end.  I carry this gene too.  I have in the past been so stuck on being right, perhaps to prove my intelligence or worthiness but it was years before I realized how tremendously frustrating this trait can be.  I can remember 3 people in my family hurrying through the door into my house to verify who was right about a piece of information they had been arguing about during the entire ride over and what struck me the most was the energy that I sensed about it not being so much about finding the true answer but about someone being right and the others being wrong.  So, I'm not trying to say that we shouldn't search and discover the truth, or point out huge fallacies such as racist based wrong doings because that is indeed very important BUT I'd like to take a deeper look into the attitude and energy behind being right, especially on the one-on-one personal level.

When I think I'm right whether it's about a fact, belief, opinion or philosophy and so does the other person in the conversation, one of us is very likely not right and possibly even both of us may be wrong or we may both be right, all depending on the topic and circumstances.  When I make every possible attempt to show you how right I am it means I'm showing you how wrong you are, which doesn't necessarily make you feel very good.  I noticed that this can even happen when my showing my rightness is meant to relieve someone from discomfort.

We had my uncle and his girlfriend in town and they were over for our 2nd Indian take-out dinner with my mom and sister and niece.  Most of the group have a hard time with spice so we ordered raita, a yogurt based side dish that can help ease the pains of spiciness.  Well, after everyone was sweating from the fire in their mouths and even the raita wasn't helping, I remembered that sometimes restaurants have been known to spice their raita.  I tasted it by itself and it did indeed seem spiced.  I had my sister and husband try too to make sure I wasn't sensing the spice from another dish.  Then I began spreading the news, so the really sensitive mouths might spare themselves from further burning.  My mother insisted the other bowl of raita next to her wasn't spicy but tears were streaming down her face due to the fire burning in her mouth.  So, we did another 3 party taste test and that raita was indeed spicy.

But in the process of proving my rightness, even though it was to be for the benefit of all those in the room, I proved my mother wrong which based on her reaction didn't make her feel better - even if it was going to put the fire in her mouth out.  She still had a sense of irritation by my needing to prove my rightness.  But you may be thinking, "But you were right!"  Well, I was right but that doesn't mean I needed to loudly and brashly prove my mother was wrong (a beautiful mother daughter tradition ;-)  This is a dangerously slippery slope that doesn't have the same approach each time.

In my 20-20 hindsight, I think next time I may simply say, "Maybe I'm wrong.  It seems spicy to me but it's possible that I'm wrong."  Or I could have said, with a sincere tone, "I'm sorry for offending you, I really was only trying to spare you further discomfort."  In other circumstances we could also say, "I think this is right, but I'm not 100% sure.  Shall we look into it together?"  or "I may be wrong."  Even if we feel like we are 100% right, the attitude can really make a difference in how we make others feel.  There is a certain level of humility that we attain when we realize we are not always right.  I have learned to admit being wrong as well as reduce the need to prove my rightness, though I'm not perfect so it does happen.  But I do notice I feel better when I'm not out to prove myself right and admit that I can make mistakes!  Allowing others to have some rightness and accepting our wrongness can actually have an amazing affect on our relationships...

Breathe.  Be Right and Wrong.  Be Wonderful.

There's an interesting TedTalks by Kathryn Schultz on this and Richard Carlson's Chapter 12 on pg 33 of his "Don't Sweat the small stuff" book also has a great perspective too!

The photo for this post is from Exsodus's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Judgement

I am often amazed at the little voice in my head and how negative and surprisingly judgemental it can be.  That little voice is our self talk, that which we are often not even fully aware of and even less in control of.   Many, if not most, of us are engaging in frequent negative self talk that often involves judging ourselves based on millions of preconceived ideas we have for how we are supposed to be.

During one of those 70 degree November days we had a few weeks back, I decided not to sit at my computer during Anjali's nap but rather to go out and clear our vegetable garden of the falling leaves.  And it took me the majority of the time that I was out there to finally stop pointing out in my head all the things that weren't good enough about the garden, the way I planted the seeds, how it was growing, how I could be tending to it better.  And then I looked around our back yard, and the judgement went on and on... and instead of simply noticing all these things, for example that there were millions of leaves everywhere that needed to be cleaned up or that I could take better care of the rest of the yard, make it look nicer.  Instead of simply being aware of these things, there was a negative, judgemental gremlin attached to every thought I had and everything I noticed.  The lack of landscaping, the weeds that have taken over the yard, the toys strune about.  Those of you who know us, know that our yard, especially the back yard, tends to be pretty low on our list of priorities.  Long story short, the things that I noticed were not really the "problem" but the judgement carried with it could become one.  We have chosen to focus our time, attention and energy on other things and we do not want to use chemicals to kill weeds, so our yard doesn't look nearly as nice as others.  But the birds come and hunt their worms, the squirrels eat our acorns and the chipmunks scurry about too!  But I still judge myself!

Luckily, after getting my hands in the dirt and really giving the plants lots of love, the clutches of negativity and judgement began to soften and finally release and I really began to relax and be present with all the beautiful life that surrounded me.  The lovely green plants that we cultivated and have allowed to thrive.  I noticed the beautiful blue sky and soft clouds floating by... all things I wouldn't have noticed if I'd kept myself locking in my negative self talk.

Positive affirmations are key to reversing any negative self talk.  Meditation helps us to become aware of it.  Love, Nature, Kindness also help!

Breathe.  Affirm.  Soften.  Let go!

The photo for this post is from africa's profile on Free Digital Photos.