Are you sure? 7 Steps to Removing Dysfunctional Filters From Your Lens.

I recently encountered a situation where someone I know believed something to be true due to information she'd been given from another person and based on a situation she had observed. However, I became privy to additional information on that same situation, about events that happened just prior to when this person came to observe. Most of us involved knew bits and pieces of the situation. We each had gained this information from different people and were not present for most of the situation or any of it. All of us had come to our own conclusions of what happened, who was at "fault," and what should be done to remedy the situation.  Needless to say, highly charged emotions ebbed and flowed. And I continue to wonder, who was actually "right" and who was at "fault?" And the truth is, unless we remove our own filters and try to see things through the filter of others, we'll always think we are "right," the others are at "fault" and we'll never see how we may have made mistakes too and how the lines are much blurrier than we originally thought.

In life, even when we are physically present and being as mindful as possible, we can and will perceive each experience and situation differently than the others present because we are viewing it through our own lens. Our lens is filtered with our life experiences, cultural background, gender, age, race, ethnicity, education, religion/spirituality, etc.  Our filters influence how and what we see and how we interpret the information we take in. And we are often not even aware of this filtering process, it becomes automatic.  In addition, we may avoid communication, won't attempt to engage in open, real communication, or we may blame all others involved. We can experience deep pain and discomfort based on how we interpret what we see and experience through our lens. We can also be treated harshly based on how others' lens' are filtered and what they see through their lens. Here are some steps to take to remove your filters and to gain deeper understanding.

1. Ask yourself, "Are you sure?"
2. If your answer is yes, then ask yourself again, "Are you sure?" Try to take a moment and allow yourself to be unsure, and wonder how it might look or be if you aren't sure.
3. Ask yourself, "What might the other person think/feel/know/hear/experience?" Try to see if you can view the situation through the other's lens.
4. Take time to speak with and ask the other person about their thoughts, feelings or understandings.
5. Be sure to FULLY listen to them, even if you disagree or have a different perspective. Let them finish before you speak.
6. Explain your perspective, thoughtfully, kindly and respectfully. This doesn't mean agree with everything. We can disagree respectfully. And you might find some ways you misunderstood the other person/situation.
7. If no agreement can be made or mutual understanding, remember that everyone is on their own path and we cannot force anyone into an understanding or a change that they aren't ready for. You may have to make difficult decisions about what path to take for yourself, depending on the situation.

These steps give us mindfulness. Mindfulness gives us the ability to gently remove filters from our lens so that we can see clearly the experiences we personally encounter but it also gives us the ability to recognize when we do not have all the information so that we may take care and not paint a false picture of reality. Mindfulness can be the ability to stop and ask ourselves, "Am I sure?"  We may have developed an insecurity or a chip on our shoulder that makes us prone to certain assumptions or judgements or false realities. Our assumptions, judgements and false realities feel very real. And our feelings are important. And sometimes we are right. But sometimes we are not. If we are mindful, we have a better chance of being able to see when we are right and when we are wrong and perhaps we can even remove some of the filters from our lens and take positive action so that we can avoid being hurt while also minimizing any hurt towards the people in our lives.

Look closely. Look clearly. Look mindfully. Breathe. Smile.

The image for this post is from Black-HardArt Studio's profile on Free Digital Photos.

The Roots of Gratitude Part II

Having a personal practice of giving gratitude is immensely important and can benefit not only our outlook on life but can also have physical and emotional benefits that in turn improve our relationships with people and things.  Being grateful as a family can also uplift each member and bring our relationships closer together.  There is no doubt that this practice is magical and beautiful.

Today, the day in which we celebrate the American Thanksgiving Holiday, I am conflicted with deep and intense emotions.  Many of us are given time off of work and school to spend with our loved ones. I have spent most Thanksgivings with my family, laughing, playing, eating and enjoying each other's presence. Yet, as I've learned through my formal and informal education the truth behind the sugar coated Pilgrims and Indians story that was spoon fed to me as a child, I find it harder and harder to just smile and wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. 

I believe that we must look deeply at our own personal pain and suffering so that we may release and heal in our own lives.  I also believe the same is needed for looking deeply at the pain and suffering that exists in the history of this holiday. We must acknowledge that this day, even though for many of us, in this day and age it embodies family togetherness, deep gratitude, warm connections, sharing, love and wonderful food, it is based on a dark, greed filled tragedy and massacre of the native people who were living here when the colonizers arrived.  If we do not embrace the true nature of this holiday, we cannot embrace ourselves wholly.  It is painful to admit that some of our own ancestors participated in the atrocities that history books wish to erase from our memories. It is difficult work to acknowledge that entire cultures and people were destroyed for the benefit of our own ancestors. Yet through bringing this truth to light and embracing it, we can take responsibility and there can be forgiveness, healing and peace for all.  Of course there exist current systems and social practices that perpetuate the energy embodied by the colonizers and that also must be acknowledged and addressed, but on an energetic level for the healing of those murdered and displaced, we can offer the unadulterated truth.

Related articles:

• Native Circle's "The Thanksgiving Myth"
• The Black Agenda Report's "The End of American Thanksgivings: A Cause for Universal Rejoicing"
• Mitchel Cohen's "Why I Hate Thanksgiving"

Be Thankful. Be Truthful. Be Open. Be Humble.

The photo for this post is from Free Digital Photos by Photokanok.

Universal Principles of Yoga: The Yama Satya

I recently started a yoga teacher training and we had an assignment to choose one of the Five Universal Principles of Yoga, the Yamas, to research and talk about at our next training weekend.  You can find a link to all five of them here, but I chose the second Yoga Yama, Satya - which many of you may know is also my father's first name!

I chose the Yoga Yama Satya because for many of the early years of my life I struggled with being truthful to myself and to others.  As a young child and adolescent, I found myself lying in order to avoid conflict or admitting mistakes (something I saw modeled in my early life).  I also just didn’t have any healthy tools for expressing negative emotions and thoughts or when I was angered by a friend.  My technique was to stuff it all in until I either exploded at someone or literally walked away from the friendship. This happened far more often than I would like to admit.  I was extremely unskillful in the Yama Satya, truthfulness also referred to as Loving Speech.  I saw a video on another blog that said that The Yama Satya must be paired with the first Yoga Yama, Ahimsa - Non-violence/compassion - so that our truthfulness (Satya) embodies compassion (Ahimsa) and therefore does not cause and pain or hurt in those receiving it.

I can remember friends asking me if something was the matter, if I was upset and the truthful answer was “Yes, my feeling are hurt!” But I always answered, “No, I’m fine.” To this day, my instinct is to answer with the same denial, but the strength of the Yama Satya is so much stronger in me now and I know it is my duty to be truthful to prevent future explosions of anger.

It wasn’t until my twenties that I started peeling away my lack of the Yama Satya and started to attempt to live by it.  Of course at the time I didn’t know that the truthfulness I was trying to live by was part of the Yoga Universal Principles, I just wanted to live with integrity and take responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.  I had become aware of how I’d hurt people in the past and how I’d been hurt by non-truthfulness so I vowed to do my absolute best to be honest with myself and share my truth with those around me in the most mindful, loving, ahimsa way possible.

Below is a not-all-inclusive list/outline of the different aspect of how I see the Yama Satya being embodied and engaged by each of us. You may see future posts going into more detail of these, but here is my outline sketched for my assignment!

• Personal Internal truth
• Being honest with ourself in terms of boundaries, limitations, life path, life goals, energy, ability, skill, etc...
• Acknowledge our thoughts and see where there is truth and where there isn’t and do our best to change our habitual non-truthful thoughts
• Truth in Observation
• Being mindful and truly present in each moment to sharpen our sense of observation so that we may see the truth of our own reality and that of those around us
• Engaging in Mindful Interactive Truth (see below) with others when we observe a truth that may not be apparent to the other.  This involves the first Yoga Yama, ahimsa (non-violence/compassion) so that we can communicate any negative information or observation as truthfully and compassionately as possible.
• Interactive Truth
• Being mindful of the words we choose when speaking with others.
• Before you speak, ask yourself these 3 questions:
• Is what I am about to say the truth?
• Is it necessary?
• Will it cause harm?
• Allowing the others involved in our Interactive Truth time to hear, process and respond to our Interactive Truth.
• Respecting when others do not like the truth we have shared with them and honoring their feelings.
• Multiple Truths/Accepting Other’s Truths
• There are an infinite number of paths for each of us to follow, we each have our own karmic lessons we must learn so that we may deepen our personal truths and transform ourselves in the perfect way we are supposed to in this life.  So long as our truth/path is not hurting another person or group of people and we are aware of how we affect each other and the world and that our truth is for the ultimate highest good, then we should allow ourselves and others to follow our own truth, even if we don’t like some of them.
• Higher Power Truth
• This follows up with the Multiple Truths idea as it relates to God, The Divine, The Creator, The Universe, Religion, Spirituality, etc.  Everyone has a choice for which, if any, path they choose to follow!

Breathe. Smile. Be Truthful. Be Mindful. Love!

The picture for this post is from Simon Howden's portfolio on Free Digital Photos.

Preparing For Our Breaking Point

When I reach my breaking point, sometimes I don't feel like there is any valid "reason" for it.  I just feel plain terrible and have this feeling in me that nobody should feel happy if I'm feeling so miserable.  Or I feel an irrational sense of control towards those around me.  Wednesday, December 28th, those who crossed my path were innocent victims to the seething anger I was feeling.  I had lost control of this emotion and despite all my attempts to be mindful, I felt such an overwhelming sense of frustration that I couldn't hear my own mindfulness bell. There is a feeling I get when I know I should make another choice, when I know I should let go and change my current course but on Wednesday, I wasn't listening to it and pushed it aside, clinging to my hurt and frustration.  I even left the house and tried to calm myself in nature.  This helped a little but there was something in me that was rigid, firm, unbending and unwilling to compromise.  It wasn't until after raising my voice at my sweet little girl and seeing the fear in her eyes that I began to soften.  I remember having that same fear and disappointment when I was yelled at as a child and it had such a severe affect on me.  I vowed I would never do it to my own child.  And here I was, again.  It has been very few times but they are there.  My highest self may be present when I have these outbursts but she's not in the driver's seat.  It felt more like the child in me who needed to be heard and listened to was behind the wheel, making all the decisions.  The biggest problem is that I am not a child anymore and must find it within me to be the adult, functioning from my highest self.

I do believe that repair is critical after moments like the one I had on the 28th but I don't think it's enough.  Or we could walk around treating people terribly and then apologize and think that's ok to do over and over again.  I am determined to work on myself and look into my core to see what it is that is brewing inside of me so I can have a deeper understanding and make the changes I need to.  This might be through therapy, healing on a physical level or noting if lunar-menstrual cycles have anything to do with it and plan accordingly... awareness of self, mindfulness of self.  Preparing myself for the moments when I am unable to hear the mindfulness bell.

I have been repairing with my daughter for the last few days, being kind and attentive but not giving in to our regular rules.  Trying to be more understanding when she acts out, who knows, maybe she's imitating my own behavior.  She is a vivid mirror.  I am trying to breathe into the sensations I have within me to see where they are coming from and how I can move forward so that I can minimize and ultimately eliminate these breakdowns in mindfulness. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or have these feelings again, but I don't want to inflict pain on those I love.

I remind myself of my imperfection.  I take responsibility for my actions.  I breathe into my core being and promise to do my best.

Breathe. Smile. Understand Yourself. Have Patience.

The photo for this post if from Graur Codrin's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Loving Speech: A Deeper Look

I was recently asked by a friend and reader of this blog to write on honesty and doing so even when what we have to say may not be easy for the other person to hear.  This has also sparked a great idea to incorporate YOUR ideas, meaning you who read this blog, into my idea pool.  I would love for you to write in with topic ideas as it helps me get inspired!  So send me your topics and I will try to feature one reader suggestion a month!

I touched on the topic of Loving Speech in a previous post.  I think the term loving speech explains itself but I myself often struggle with determining what loving speech looks like in practice.  I have determined that there is no step-by-step procedure that we can plug into every circumstance but there are some things I have tried to do in the past that have been successful and hope they can assist some of you in your loving speech endeavors.

If I am the person who has some feeling or truth that I need to share with a friend or loved one and I sense it may be difficult for that person to hear it, I will first look VERY deeply at what it is I am feeling, thinking, needing.  One of the best ways to do this is to journal about the "issue" I have so that I can clearly understand my feelings around it, clearly see the most important parts of it, especially those that will need to be communicated, and look at the part of my being that is involved with this issue. When I say 'part of my being' I mean, is this issue related to the child in me, the adolescent or the adult. This can often help us see who inside of us is in the "driver's seat" as it relates to the issue because let's face it, sometimes it's that little girl or boy who's making those snap reactive decisions or that feisty teenager who was so rebellious is the one who yells at our loved one today.

Doing this kind of writing can also help us prepare for speaking with our loved one.  In the past and even still I have had to share my difficult feelings with my loved ones first in writing, for several reasons.  When I am in the moment talking, I often forget things that I need to say so writing them down helps remind me and having my loved one read about it first helps ease the tension I have around the issue and around any fears I have about talking.  Also, I often forget my mindfulness when I am speaking, especially when the discussion is fresh or raw, so writing keeps me mindful as I can do my best to ensure that the message is delivered mindfully and lovingly.  So I think that writing a letter is a more than acceptable first step to engaging in Loving Speech with our loved ones.

After the letter has been read or instead of a letter, we should always schedule a time to actually discuss the issue.  It is crucial that we speak when we are not heated with anger and that we inform our loved one that we are having a hard time and that we would benefit from having a Loving Speech conversation about an issue.  I cannot stress enough that we cannot speak when we are heated with anger as our perspective will be tainted and we will likely say something we regret, I've done it and it doesn't feel good for anyone involved.

I find that speaking from the point of view of how I feel vs telling the person what he or she is doing wrong also helps bring to light the issue in a lovingly way.  So I might say one of the following:

"I feel very frustrated when...."
"I find that I have a difficult time when..."
"I notice that I don't understand..."
"From my perspective it seems like you're...."
"When you said, 'XYZ,' it made me feel...."
"Can you help me understand why you..."
"It would help me if you could...."
"Is there something one your mind..?"

These statements reinforce that it is MY perspective or feelings and that I am trying to find out more about the situation or my loved ones perspective so that we can try to come up with a solution.

Along with Loving Speech also comes Deep Listening.  So, even though I may be the one that has a frustration with my loved one, I must do my best, my very, very best (this can be very difficult) to listen deeply to what my loved one says and ask questions when I don't understand or explain myself even more in reaction to what he/she says but we must also let our loved ones speak fully too!

Finally, we should always try to have Loving Speech conversations about positive things too, on a regular basis, so that we are not always sitting down to focus on the negative.  Something Rishi and I have done in the past, which I think as a result of this post we may need to start up again, is to sit down with each other a least a couple of times a week and share things that we are grateful for about each other and note the things that we each did that helped us or that made us happy so that when we have to sit down and discuss our grievances we can feel strong and secure in the positive foundation that rests on all the things that we love about each other and that we are grateful for.

I think that this way of speaking is pertinent to almost all relationships and can really help us clear the space and energy.  Something I often struggle with is determining for myself what issues are serious enough to share and with whom.  Do I do this with an acquaintance, unlikely, but possible.  Coworker, should but may not.  Friend, more likely to but it might not always happen. Husband/Wife/Partner, definitely.  Child, absolutely.  Do I tell them every single annoyance and frustration, probably not unless it's frequent, reoccurring or turning into resentment/anger.  So I am NOT perfect with this.  These are things I have tried to do but do not necessarily do to perfection, but hopefully this can give guidance and ideas for the next time you need to discuss something difficult with another person.  Clear, positive, compassionate communication can enhance any relationship!

Breathe. Speak. Love. Listen. Communicate!

The photo in this post is from Prozac1's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Loving Speech

The people closest to me have probably at one time or another either witnessed or been victim of my temper - which can manifest as a stern voice, a muted, non-emoting tone, a quick snap, a passive aggressive action and on a rare occasion even a scream or yell. I have a pretty hot temper, which may surprise some but will make others nod their heads in agreement. Becoming aware of ourselves is similar to the process of an addict admitting their addiction. When we become aware of our traits, characteristics, habits, we are admitting to ourselves that this is who we are in the present moment. This is the first step to our being able to evolve and transform into the best possible version of ourselves.

Here is Buddhism's 4th Precept: Deep Listening and Loving Speech that has inspired this post. There is so much to learn and discover in this precept.

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

Loving Speech sounds easy, as do a lot of these practices, but I have found that when I am even the slightest bit stressed out, burnt out, stretched thin or just not feeling myself, this is one of the first things to go, especially towards those closest to me. Again, another reason why meditating is so crucial because it helps keep us from getting so mentally fatigued from all the goings-on in life that we can maintain our Loving Speech.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't address serious or negative issues in our lives or relationships, it merely means that we shouldn't use knee-jerk reaction speech when we feel frustrated or angry. Now, just last week I probably raised my voice and/or spoke in a "not-so-nice" tone towards my daughter, my husband and my mother. Have I failed at being able to engage in Loving Speech - not entirely. After each instance, I took a deep breath, apologized and acknowledged my wrong doing. Do I always do that? Not always, but I am ruthless for making sure I take responsibility for my feelings, actions and words. So, the second step - making sure we let those around us know we are sorry for our mistakes and letting them know how we feel without blame or lack of responsibility.

In Thay's practice he speaks on "Beginning a New." Every morning, when the sunrises, we have another 24 hours to start over, try to do things differently, reflect on what's going well, what's not, how we can make things "right" and then try it again when we make mistakes. I suffer greatly from perfectionism in terms of trying to evolve into my highest potential but I am humbled by my mistakes into remembering my humanity. Even though there have been some ugly times when I would be excrutiatingly ashamed to have anyone there to witness, I am deeply moved when at night, after saying "I love you" as I close the door to my daughters room, she says to me, "Thanks, Mom!" Or when she spontaneously says, "I love you my mommy."

Speak Lovingly. Listen Deeply. Breathe. We are alive.

The photo for this post is from pal2iyawit's Profile on Free Digital Photos.