Are you sure? 7 Steps to Removing Dysfunctional Filters From Your Lens.

I recently encountered a situation where someone I know believed something to be true due to information she'd been given from another person and based on a situation she had observed. However, I became privy to additional information on that same situation, about events that happened just prior to when this person came to observe. Most of us involved knew bits and pieces of the situation. We each had gained this information from different people and were not present for most of the situation or any of it. All of us had come to our own conclusions of what happened, who was at "fault," and what should be done to remedy the situation.  Needless to say, highly charged emotions ebbed and flowed. And I continue to wonder, who was actually "right" and who was at "fault?" And the truth is, unless we remove our own filters and try to see things through the filter of others, we'll always think we are "right," the others are at "fault" and we'll never see how we may have made mistakes too and how the lines are much blurrier than we originally thought.

In life, even when we are physically present and being as mindful as possible, we can and will perceive each experience and situation differently than the others present because we are viewing it through our own lens. Our lens is filtered with our life experiences, cultural background, gender, age, race, ethnicity, education, religion/spirituality, etc.  Our filters influence how and what we see and how we interpret the information we take in. And we are often not even aware of this filtering process, it becomes automatic.  In addition, we may avoid communication, won't attempt to engage in open, real communication, or we may blame all others involved. We can experience deep pain and discomfort based on how we interpret what we see and experience through our lens. We can also be treated harshly based on how others' lens' are filtered and what they see through their lens. Here are some steps to take to remove your filters and to gain deeper understanding.

1. Ask yourself, "Are you sure?"
2. If your answer is yes, then ask yourself again, "Are you sure?" Try to take a moment and allow yourself to be unsure, and wonder how it might look or be if you aren't sure.
3. Ask yourself, "What might the other person think/feel/know/hear/experience?" Try to see if you can view the situation through the other's lens.
4. Take time to speak with and ask the other person about their thoughts, feelings or understandings.
5. Be sure to FULLY listen to them, even if you disagree or have a different perspective. Let them finish before you speak.
6. Explain your perspective, thoughtfully, kindly and respectfully. This doesn't mean agree with everything. We can disagree respectfully. And you might find some ways you misunderstood the other person/situation.
7. If no agreement can be made or mutual understanding, remember that everyone is on their own path and we cannot force anyone into an understanding or a change that they aren't ready for. You may have to make difficult decisions about what path to take for yourself, depending on the situation.

These steps give us mindfulness. Mindfulness gives us the ability to gently remove filters from our lens so that we can see clearly the experiences we personally encounter but it also gives us the ability to recognize when we do not have all the information so that we may take care and not paint a false picture of reality. Mindfulness can be the ability to stop and ask ourselves, "Am I sure?"  We may have developed an insecurity or a chip on our shoulder that makes us prone to certain assumptions or judgements or false realities. Our assumptions, judgements and false realities feel very real. And our feelings are important. And sometimes we are right. But sometimes we are not. If we are mindful, we have a better chance of being able to see when we are right and when we are wrong and perhaps we can even remove some of the filters from our lens and take positive action so that we can avoid being hurt while also minimizing any hurt towards the people in our lives.

Look closely. Look clearly. Look mindfully. Breathe. Smile.

The image for this post is from Black-HardArt Studio's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Learn to Stop

"In daily life, there is so much to do and so little time.  You may feel pressure to run.  Learn to stop! Touch the present moment and you will touch peace and joy" - Thich Nhat Hanh

I know for a fact I have blogged about this quote before but it seems quite apropos right now with the bustling of friends and family and presents and parties... which I LOVE!  I love being with the people I love, friends and family.  I love planning activities, menus - especially the sweet treats involved, though I often make the healthy, gluten free, low glycemic version.  But what I always forget is how exhausting it can be too, especially if we don't take time to recharge - also something that I've written about many times.  


Now, right now, during the holidays it may seem impossible to slow down, especially if there are multiple young children involved in the festivities but I am trying to do two things.  When I'm in a social gathering to relieve myself of any pressures (self-imposed or otherwise) to do too much or go beyond my capacity.  And it takes being fully present in the moment, the second thing I'm trying to do, to stay aware of any self-imposed pressures to do too much, or to be aware of when I've reached my limit and to know when, where and how to STOP and let go.  Even if for a short moment, so that I can release the pressure that been building up, unwind even just a little, and recharge for the rest of the holiday festivities! 


Whatever holiday you are or are not celebrating these last few days of 2011, I wish you peace, joy and a beautiful present moment!


Breathe. Smile. Stop. Laugh. Wink. Exhale. Enjoy!


The photo in this post is from Chris Sharp's portfolio on Free Digital Photos.

Our Appointment with Life by Thich Nhat Hanh

I just finished reading, well almost finished reading, a short but really powerful book by Thich Nhat Hanh - Our Appointment with Life. It is one of his more Buddhist text books rather than his mindfulness books as it does discuss some of the sutras or religious text from the Buddha's time.

But it really sums up so much good stuff that I would LOVE to share with you: Letting go (no attachment), Present Moment, Internal Formations, Community.

Letting go (I have chosen the words letting go) in this book is described as living alone, but not in the sense of the word as we know it- we must learn to not let our attachments to things, our obsessive negative feelings, our thoughts even ideas overwhelm us and keep us from being present in the moment. So I had a hard time with the idea of not being attached because I thought, when I first learned of the practice of no attachment, that it was a perfect excuse for people to not care for others around them. But this is completely NOT what it means. Think of your favorite something that you have. Let's say car or an expensive electronic device. Sure, we should do our best to take care of it so that it continues to work and help us get to work or do our work. But the moment that we feel so attached to it that we constantly worry that someone will steal it or how terrible it will be if it gets dinged up or scratched then we are overwhelmed by our attachment to it. Our attachments are considered one of the "Internal Formations" - desire, hatred, pride, ignorance, stubborn views, attachment, doubt, jealousy and selfishness. If we are distracted by our thoughts, emotions, beliefs surrounding these "Formations," then we are not able to be clear in the present moment. So, then we are living with them, therefore not living "alone," in the sense of the word according to Buddha. So living alone really meant being mindful of our Internal Formations, their influence on us, so we can be present in the moment. So the next great point of the book, The Present Moment.

Our life only exists in the present moment. This is not to say that we should forget the past or never plan for the future. If we forget our past, then we can never learn from our mistakes. But we shouldn't dwell on it or beat ourselves up and not take action or responsibility for our past actions. We can try to look back at the past, the good and the bad, for purposes of learning, healing and improving. Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh) says that the ghosts of the past that we allow to follow us into the present are then also part of the present. But if we can observe them deeply and understand them clearly we can transform them and ourselves.

As for the future, Thay says we must of course make plans, but not to get lost in daydreams that steal us away from the present. We must stay clear and grounded in the present as we plan for the future. If we are unhappy in the present, for whatever reason, our minds, thoughts and feelings can get lost into the future daydream we have that helps us run from the present moment discomfort, pain or suffering. It's soooo important for us to recognize our suffering and to look deeply at it. Thay often says to take your fear, sadness or whatever negative feeling that you have that burdens you and hold it, recognize it and soothe it so that it can calm down and no longer drag you along on its rampage or destructive thought pattern. Our feelings are valid but getting lost in them and letting them take control only leads to more suffering. Thay has a beautiful metaphor where he draws up an image of a lotus flower that grows out of the mud in a pond - the mud is our suffering and out of it, if cultivated properly, grows a most beautiful lotus flower. We cannot have true happiness without looking deeply at our suffering, understanding it and transforming it into our own lotus flower.

When talking about not getting lost in the future, this doesn't mean that we shouldn't care about what happens in the future but that we should focus much of our attention on the manner in which we live in the present moment as it will soon become the future. And if we use any regret we have of the past to heal the present moment, then our remembrance of the past has served a positive purpose. Mindfulness can help us see deeply that which causes us suffering and help us to heal it in a conscious, positive and transformative way.

Finally, this living alone idea doesn't really mean to live alone - but to live free of our "formations" while also engaging in our community. It is so much easier to stay strong when we have a community that supports us. And we can feel so much stronger when we give back to our communities AND when we can receive support from our community. I think community is a very fluid being and can manifest in different ways for different people. The most important thing I have found is to stay connected in the way that makes sense for me while trying to be there for others in the way that is positive for everyone.

Long post today - thanks to Anjali sleeping for 2 hours... :-)

Breathe. Stay Present. Breathe. Smile. :-)

picture is ZenbyDan - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Nature_g38.html