Preparing For Our Breaking Point

When I reach my breaking point, sometimes I don't feel like there is any valid "reason" for it.  I just feel plain terrible and have this feeling in me that nobody should feel happy if I'm feeling so miserable.  Or I feel an irrational sense of control towards those around me.  Wednesday, December 28th, those who crossed my path were innocent victims to the seething anger I was feeling.  I had lost control of this emotion and despite all my attempts to be mindful, I felt such an overwhelming sense of frustration that I couldn't hear my own mindfulness bell. There is a feeling I get when I know I should make another choice, when I know I should let go and change my current course but on Wednesday, I wasn't listening to it and pushed it aside, clinging to my hurt and frustration.  I even left the house and tried to calm myself in nature.  This helped a little but there was something in me that was rigid, firm, unbending and unwilling to compromise.  It wasn't until after raising my voice at my sweet little girl and seeing the fear in her eyes that I began to soften.  I remember having that same fear and disappointment when I was yelled at as a child and it had such a severe affect on me.  I vowed I would never do it to my own child.  And here I was, again.  It has been very few times but they are there.  My highest self may be present when I have these outbursts but she's not in the driver's seat.  It felt more like the child in me who needed to be heard and listened to was behind the wheel, making all the decisions.  The biggest problem is that I am not a child anymore and must find it within me to be the adult, functioning from my highest self.

I do believe that repair is critical after moments like the one I had on the 28th but I don't think it's enough.  Or we could walk around treating people terribly and then apologize and think that's ok to do over and over again.  I am determined to work on myself and look into my core to see what it is that is brewing inside of me so I can have a deeper understanding and make the changes I need to.  This might be through therapy, healing on a physical level or noting if lunar-menstrual cycles have anything to do with it and plan accordingly... awareness of self, mindfulness of self.  Preparing myself for the moments when I am unable to hear the mindfulness bell.

I have been repairing with my daughter for the last few days, being kind and attentive but not giving in to our regular rules.  Trying to be more understanding when she acts out, who knows, maybe she's imitating my own behavior.  She is a vivid mirror.  I am trying to breathe into the sensations I have within me to see where they are coming from and how I can move forward so that I can minimize and ultimately eliminate these breakdowns in mindfulness. It doesn't mean I won't get angry or have these feelings again, but I don't want to inflict pain on those I love.

I remind myself of my imperfection.  I take responsibility for my actions.  I breathe into my core being and promise to do my best.

Breathe. Smile. Understand Yourself. Have Patience.

The photo for this post if from Graur Codrin's profile on Free Digital Photos.

Learn to Stop

"In daily life, there is so much to do and so little time.  You may feel pressure to run.  Learn to stop! Touch the present moment and you will touch peace and joy" - Thich Nhat Hanh

I know for a fact I have blogged about this quote before but it seems quite apropos right now with the bustling of friends and family and presents and parties... which I LOVE!  I love being with the people I love, friends and family.  I love planning activities, menus - especially the sweet treats involved, though I often make the healthy, gluten free, low glycemic version.  But what I always forget is how exhausting it can be too, especially if we don't take time to recharge - also something that I've written about many times.  


Now, right now, during the holidays it may seem impossible to slow down, especially if there are multiple young children involved in the festivities but I am trying to do two things.  When I'm in a social gathering to relieve myself of any pressures (self-imposed or otherwise) to do too much or go beyond my capacity.  And it takes being fully present in the moment, the second thing I'm trying to do, to stay aware of any self-imposed pressures to do too much, or to be aware of when I've reached my limit and to know when, where and how to STOP and let go.  Even if for a short moment, so that I can release the pressure that been building up, unwind even just a little, and recharge for the rest of the holiday festivities! 


Whatever holiday you are or are not celebrating these last few days of 2011, I wish you peace, joy and a beautiful present moment!


Breathe. Smile. Stop. Laugh. Wink. Exhale. Enjoy!


The photo in this post is from Chris Sharp's portfolio on Free Digital Photos.

Looking Within

Those of you who know me well know that I tend to have a lot of energy, love running all over the place and have a hard time sitting still. When I lived in California, my roommate, Karla, and I had an outdated Thich Nhat Hanh calendar with 12 of his precious quotes next to beautiful nature scenes. We decided to put them up around our apartment. She selected one in particular that she thought needed to go in my room, by my bed, so I could read it multiple times a day. It is as follows:

"In daily life, there is so much to do and so little time. You may feel pressured to run. Learn to stop! Touch the present moment and you will touch peace and joy."

I can't tell you how true this is for me and for most of us! But especially those of us with even a little bit of extrovert in us or with a super strong social bug or those of us with children to look after.

I felt inspired today to discuss looking within because here in Atlanta we're having a nice rainy holiday that lends itself to staying in and slowing down. There are so many ways we can do this. We can make a cup of tea and practice tea meditation which essentially means applying deep mindfulness to every step of making and drinking the tea. Noticing and appreciating all the smells, sounds and tastes associated with the process. We could also tend to areas of our house that need our attention but doing so not with the end goal of cleaning it or getting it organized but with the goal of focusing on the process, our own personal process for doing things, becoming aware of how we approach a task and simultaneously applying mindfulness to it. We could also take time to journal about pertinent topics/issues/feelings in our life that we may need to understand more deeply to understand how we can resolve them. And of course, there is always good ole regular sitting meditation in a quiet space where you can hear the rain (if you're in the Atlanta area) or just hear the natural sounds around you. There are an endless number of ways we can look within, these are just a few ideas that came to me. I'm feeling inspired to think of more!

I mentioned in an earlier post how it's especially important to stay in and look within when we are having a rough day or dealing with a particularly difficult issue. This is very true and I think some of the above mentioned ideas for assisting us to look within can very much help us to calm our minds so we can see our feelings or issue more clearly. It is when we have calmed our mind and body that we can see the most clearly, understand our role in a situation or understand how we can make things better. Even when we do our best, we will make mistakes but we can always come back to our process for calming so that we can pick ourselves back up and try again.

I also believe that looking within is a very important "tool" for regular practice, even when things are going wonderfully. Perhaps even more important to practice when things are going well so that we can remember the positive, have it embed itself more deeply into the core of our existence. It is with this focus on the positive that we begin to water the seeds that we wish to have flourish so we have a beautiful garden growing within us. With a well nourished inner garden we can feel that inner beauty and joy we all seek to find... Don't forget, we need not seek that beauty and joy from anywhere else but within. We all have the capacity for joy and happiness and peace - we just need to care for it, nourish it, love it and trust it and it will grow into the most beautiful garden giving us the opportunity to be the person we most desire to be, so each day our presence is like giving the people around us a bouquet of flowers! :-)

Breath. Look. Smile. Understand. Process. Within.

The photo for this post is from the Prozac1 profile on free digital photos.

Meditation? When? Where? Yeah right!

So, I was recently asked about meditation techniques and felt a little hypocritical giving them since it's been a super long time since I've actually meditated on a regular basis. Being home with a 2 year old who thinks I've turned into a jungle gym when I lay down on the floor to do some stretches makes any calming, meditative exercise a bit of a challenge. Actually, Anjali has really gotten into trying to do some of the yoga as well but she still loves to jump on her mama when I lie down...

Meditation - just the word can turn some people off, interest others or intimidate or sound extremely "boring." Well, I really like Thich Nhat Hanh's notion of mindfulness and the process of becoming mindful of our every action, thought and feeling. I also really believe that meditation in itself is very important but much more simple and attainable than many think. So, we can practice being mindful (or deeply aware) of our thoughts, feelings and actions when we sit to meditate and then little by little we will begin to carry that mindfulness and the mental calm and clarity with us through out our day to day.

Ok, ok, sounds great but how do I do it? Very simple but hard to find that jump-start motivation to just stop doing anything. We just want to do and do and do. Even now, I feel so excited to sit and do this post while Anjali is sleeping when I could be meditating... the right time will come.

When I am as out of practice as I am right now, I find it best to meditate in a quiet room with the symbols and objects that I connect to on a spiritual level. But there can be meditation without any spiritual connotations, if that isn't something you want or need. Even 5 minutes a day is a great practice of meditating. Make sure when you sit, you are comfortable. You can sit on the floor with a cushion designed for meditation, in a chair or up against a wall. Just be comfortable.

When you sit down, you may want to light a candle or some incense but this may also be distracting or if you have allergies could be bothersome. I will sometimes light a candle as most incense irritates my sinuses these days. Now, here comes the good news. Meditation is NOT about eliminating all thought from the mind. It is more about calming the mind and not getting swept away by all the hundreds of thoughts flowing around in our minds. I can't remember which book I read this from but think of your thoughts as a river current and that normally we are all just being swept away but this current of thoughts. Well, meditation is a process that allows us to swim to the side of the river and sit on the banks and watch the thoughts go by. We notice them, recognize them, deal with them appropriately and then let them float on by. Usually as I am meditating, I try to become aware of the random sounds I hear and tell myself what they are: "I hear a bird." "I hear the air turning on." To help me from being swept away by the "Oh, I've gotta get laundry detergent when I go to the store today, oh, I can't forget to put in on the list when I'm done meditating, and oh yeah, there's a load of laundry in the washer that I forgot to put in the dryer and I need to get some new sweaters because it'll be fall soon and......." The thoughts go on and on and on don't they? It's like a chain of events that are being played out in our minds. So, if that happens when I'm meditating, as soon as I become mindful of the fact that I've just been swept away by the thought current, I stop, swim to the side of the river and say, thanks thoughts for the ride, but I'm just going to sit here and breathe in and out and I'll attend to you when I'm done. So, we're not going to ignore the things we need to do but we don't want the thoughts of them to carry us away on a nervous current of "oh my I have so much to do."

Be patient with yourself but continue to push yourself to face challenges, whatever they may be.

Be mindful, breathe in, breathe out. Smile. :-)